Finding Forever

Below is the story of Sam and their journey of going from 35 foster homes to their Forever Family, as told from their perspective.

Well, here I go again… I’m not sure where I will land. no one wants me. The minute I start to feel safe and secure, I become angry, agitated, sometimes violent. The police are called… a stay at PBH (Parkview Behavioral Health) or ACJC (Allen County Juvenile Center) and then I am packing my bags, or my clothes show up in a garbage bag and I am off to the next home.

I don’t want to be like this. Why can’t anyone see my pain?  I just want to belong, I just want to feel loved.

Today, Jill, my Family Case Manager, is driving me to meet my new foster parents…as we are driving I am asking Jill about the home, what the foster parents are like, talking about how long this will last for me….I’m feeling really nervous and honestly scared.

I just spent my first night here with Mike and Suzie. The house is nice, and I am the only kid here. I hope I don’t mess this up, again…I have my own room, there is a kitchen table, a nice TV, video games, and two great big dogs… And Mike and Suzie seem nice, but there are some expectations, like keeping my room clean, showering, brushing my teeth (I have never been made to brush my teeth).

I didn’t sleep much last night…I was reliving the day…Mike and Suzie were excited to meet me, they asked me questions: what are my favorite foods, how do I like school (which was quite a crazy question, cause when have I ever been at a school for more than a couple of weeks at a time?), we ate dinner together at the table, playing a game of getting to know me types of questions…and I am not sure what to feel…

I knew this would happen. I knew it wouldn’t be long until my “issues” started to rear their ugly head, I don’t know how to feel…I want to be accepted here, but I can’t explain why I am becoming angry, sad, frustrated… I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I have to go somewhere else.

Last night was such a mess, I was asked to take out the garbage, I didn’t want to do it, for no particular reason and I started to argue, get mad and I hit Suzie. And she called the police because I could not get a hold of my anger. I could see myself being out of control but I couldn't stop the rage.

And honestly, some of it was because Suzie and Mike really do like me, they tell me all the time that we are a family, and together we will find a way…But how I explain to them that I have never had this? That no one has ever wanted me?

While the police were at the house, Mike showed up, Suzie had a ice pack on her eye and I was in my room packing. Suzie and Mike walked in and asked what I was doing, I said packing… Mike said, “Sam stop” The seriousness of his tone made me stop.

Suzie asked, why are you packing?  And I explained that this is how it always is, that this is what comes next… I am asked to leave. I wonder if Jill is already on her way… They look at me and ask me to come to the kitchen table…We sit, and as they were talking to me, I started to cry, I felt ashamed, guilty and scared, but all I heard was, “we are a family and we will find a way through this…”

It’s been a few months now, and Mike and Suzie have asked me to consider making this my forever home. We’ve had a couple more incidences where I saw red and lost it, but they said we’re going to work with a therapist from SCAN to help us figure out how to keep moving forward together. She’s going to come to our house for a couple of hours each day to help us have bigger conversations and develop a routine. Honestly, I really want to stay here, but I’m not sure I’m worth this leap from Mike and Suzie. If my own mom didn’t want me, who else would?

I can’t believe it – I feel like I belong at my school now. I run cross country, and I have a great team of teachers and coaches that help me channel my emotions. My SCAN therapist, Jaime, has really helped us work together as a family. We all have a voice, and I enjoy the activities. One of the activities involved us looking into the future, deciding what we wanted our family to be like 2 generations from now, I was really excited to participate in this, as I never thought about next week, let alone what I would want my life to be when I grew up.

As we move toward being a real family, Mike, Suzie and myself are choosing the names we’ll call each other. I’ve thought about it, and I want to change my name. When I think about the name “Sam,” I think of all the things I was and that I was not wanted. With a new name, I feel like a new beginning will seem more real.

It’s adoption day!! After 9 months of family therapy sessions, we are definitely a stronger family. I know that it has not been easy on any of us…during our time with Jaime, we have laughed, cried, disagreed, set new goals, boundaries. Mike and Suzie had to fast forward their life and learn to parent a teenager, but they have been patient with me and with each other, as they worked through their own differences in parenting.

Also, I changed my name to Alicia, and I took Mike and Suzie’s last name. I feel like I am finally part of a family! I definitely still need support, but I know I am healing. And I trust that Mike and Suzie understand this and have my back … As I look back, I just can’t believe this is really happening. I never thought this was possible. Sometimes when I lie awake in my bed, I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.

SCAN cannot do this work alone. It is thanks to supporters like you that SCAN is able to assist children and families like Alicia’s on their journeys.